Excerpts from

Babydoll, Gangster Disciple - Oral History

Part VI - Consequences of Murder

Sometimes as women we’re really stupid because we think we have to be strong and sometimes I think women need to be stronger than the people around us. I think we need to enforce that. At that point, had I to do it over, I would have taken Will and I’d left. Will would have still been alive. Because, something was just not right. I felt eerie, for lack of a better word. But I was gonna go, because I trust, I trust Brad with my life...

I was cold sober. Kelly was too, I knew Kelly was, cuz she was with me all day. The guys, I have no idea. I know Will was cuz he didn’t do anything, he didn’t even smoke cigarettes. Steve and Brad, are habitual pot smokers, so it very well could be that they were stoned.

Brad and Steve were arrested the 29th. Brad walked into the police station and told them everything. Which is fine with me now, I was not very happy at the time. He walked in, they questioned him a little bit and he just kind of went, "Well, this is what happened, blah, blah, blah, blah. And told them everything.

I was in shock at the time that he did that, but, ya know, what could I do. Couldn’t talk to him. I understood. I was mad, I was angry, I felt betrayed, I felt used, I felt hurt. But, I knew that he had to do it for himself. And, I’m ok with that now.

I didn’t want to get away with the murder. I didn’t really want to. I caught a whole new perspective that night that freaked me out. And I caught a glimpse of myself that night that I...that really scared me. And I don’t think anybody should have gotten away with it. However, it was something that should never have happened to begin with. It was something that got totally blown out of proportion, out a hand, and that was just the way it was.

I knew very full well the minute Brad got arrested that I was gonna be arrested too. And at that point, I had several options. I could have left and you could never have found me. I am an intelligent woman, I could have left an nobody would have found me. I could have just gone to them and said, "Ok, this is what I did, arrest me now." Or, I could just wait it out and spend as much time with my kid as I could, and that’s what I did...

I was arrested on the 7th of November and I definitely never acted the role that you would assume a gang affiliated woman would act. Like I said, I spent the next two weeks, basically in a zombie like state. I didn’t sleep, I still don’t sleep. It was a difficult way to learn a hard lesson in life. That lesson would be: you definitely do pay the consequences for the lifestyle you chose. And I am lucky in the aspect that this didn’t happen to me sooner than it did. I’m unlucky in the aspect that it happened at all...

I feel a lot of remorse. I feel a lot of disappointment in myself, I realize now that I’m better than that. At the time, I really didn’t think so, but now I do. And I believe he was better than that, I don’t think he deserved to die, regardless whether he was a snitch or not. The fact remains that he was a person and that’s really all we should judge people on in this world, is the fact that they’re people. I am happy for him, because we had a really long conversation the night before the murder about Christ and his beliefs, his religious beliefs. The fact that he regretted the decision that he made to come to us at all. I regret that he never had the chance to tell his mother how sorry he was for pissing her off as bad as he did. And, I’m happy because I know he’s in a better place and he’s happier, because he really wasn’t a happy kid here honestly. But I feel sorrow for his family...

When I was in the county jail I came to peace. God helped me. I wish I had brought my bible with me. I have a verse that in my bible is amazing, it actually speaks of gangs. It’s the New American English version. I came to peace for several reasons as a matter of fact. I came to peace with myself first of all. I took everything that I had been told my whole like and said, "well, screw it, I’m gonna be good for me." That’s the first time in my life I’ve ever wanted to be happy for me. I have a peace because I believe his family has forgiven me, at least his sisters, and I hope his mom, too. Will. That helps, it really does. Forgiveness helps.

<< Return to Gang Oral History Project page

© 2024 HAND in HAND Productions